Lying on the bed with my husband, I held him. Crawling on to a bed should not make anyone feel like that. Everything you see is a reminder. EVERYTHING. His name, his memories, his history. Across the room is his open closet. Everything inside of it has a thousand memories. I brought home the shirt He was wearing the last time I saw him. Creepy OR not, at least it is something I can touch.
I am trying to stay strong. The only problem is that I have no idea how to be the rock when my rock is broken.
The rest of the week is a blur. The brother in law didn’t want to have a funeral. I fought for one. The service was not for the deceased, but for all those people that are left with a hole in their heart. We came to some sort of agreement. A memorial service and BBQ. Family that could make it on short notice came, lots of love near and far.
I am not going to tell you that people are crazy. Grieving is a journey we all take. The route, however is always difficult. Fighting for silly things that we not make any of them feel better. I was so drained; emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Saturday morning we headed home and I slept most of the trip. At one point I am pretty sure that I fell off the back seat.
Now that we are home, a new heartache. One week after the death of his brother was my sweet (and sad) husbands birthday. How are you going to make someone happy that is a shell?
A couple of months ago I ordered a gift for my husband. I received an email saying that the item was back ordered. Early December is when it would ship. Fine, Christmas gift. Saturday afternoon when we walked in the door a box was here. Check my email and BAM!! It had shipped out early. A blessing in disguise. On the morning of his birthday, we’re lying in bed. I ask him if he wanted his gifts now OR at dinner.
NOW, I guess.
It was great. The only thing that he could find to open the box was a pair of fingernail clippers and plastic spoon. Men. The best part about this gift was the look on his face. First real smile I had seen in a week.
I can not say that the days are getting any easier. The only thing I can is that we have each other. For now, I can not think of anything else that I truly need at this moment.