funny story + advise.

Over the years, I have learned an important lesson: When alcohol and silicone are taken away from something, they instantly lose their fun factor.

For example, a party at the Playboy Mansion wouldn’t be any fun without alcohol and silicone. Strip clubs would be less enjoyable minus alcohol and silicone. Finally, Anna Nicole Smith would be less fun and harder to parody without alcohol and silicone. OR Christmas time in Grand Junction. It would be unbearable without alcohol and silicone. Those are what makes the holiday. And seeing Sharon’s panties.

Recently, I found a product that debunks the lesson I learned, the I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray. Not only does it not have any alcohol or silicone, which it proudly boasts on its packaging, it also doesn’t have any calories, fat, sodium, carbohydrates, and cholesterol.

With none of that in the I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray, you’re probably asking yourself, how can it be any fun?

Well with the right people, items and body parts, it can be hella fun.

For example, did you see the episode of Family Guy when the employees of Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory had a competition at their company picnic to see who could catch a greased-up deaf guy? You can recreate this thanks to the I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray.

Just get a bunch of your friends. Find a place with a lot of open space, like a city park, state university campus, or cemetery. Then have everyone draw straws. The one with the shortest straw has to strip down to their skivvies and be sprayed all over with the I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray. Give that person a 30 second head start and some earplugs, then you folks can have yourself some greasy giggly fun.

Oh yeah, just a warning. Do not play this game in the middle of the day, unless you plan to eat your friend once you capture them and they’ve had time to cook in midday sun.

Do you have plastic sheets, a significant other, and did you run out of sensual massage oil?

If you said yes to all three, you can use the I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray in your foreplay activities. Just spray it on body parts and then rub, stroke, lick, and/or tickle. I sprayed some on my body and it felt kind of good once I got used to the butter scent. I also made a video of me rubbing it on, which you can view here (Quicktime required).

Oh yeah, another warning. Do not use the cooking spray as a lubricant for condoms and please remember to dispose of plastic sheets when done with sweet, sweet lovemaking.

Now if you’re really crazy and want to have some real fun, you can use the I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray to cook things or add some light butter flavor to foods like popcorn.

Like its greasy distant spraying cousin, WD-40, the I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray has a lot of fun uses, but you just have to find them. Although WD-40 totally sucks as a sensual massage oil. Here are a few examples:

You know that fine black stuff that collects on the wheels of your car and is so hard to clean off? That’s brake dust — it’s produced every time you apply your brakes and the pads wear against the brake disks or cylinders. The next time you invest the elbow grease to get your wheels shiny, give them a light coating of I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray. The brake dust will wipe right off.

Need your nail polish to dry in a hurry? Spray it with a coat of I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray and let dry.(This is not a cure for biting fingernails, it may make the habit worse) The spray is also a great moisturizer for your hands.

Mowing the lawn should be easy, but cleaning stuck grass from the mower is tedious. Prevent grass from sticking on mower blades and the underside of the housing by spraying them with I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray before you begin mowing.

Shoveling snow is hard enough, but it can be more aggravating when the snow sticks to the shovel. Spray the shovel with I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray before shoveling — the snow slides right off! If you use a snow thrower, spray inside the discharge chute to prevent it from clogging.

Your fishing trip was a big success, but now your hands reek of fish. What to do? Just rub some I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray on your hands, wash with warm water and soap, and your hands will smell clean and fresh again.

If you have difficulty getting pills to go down, try spraying them in a small amount of I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray first. The pills will slide down your throat more easily. And will be tasty too …

To soothe tired feet, massage them with I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray, wrap in a damp, hot towel, and sit for 10 minutes. Your feet will feel revitalized and they’ll smell like popcorn too.

If you run out of shaving cream, try slathering some I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray onto your wet skin for a smooth, close shave.

You’ve just gotten home from a pleasant walk in the woods, but your hand is still covered with sticky tree sap that feels like it will never come off. Don’t worry. Just use I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray on your hand and the gunky black sap will wash right off with soap and water.

Is the family feline freaked out by your move to a new home? Moving is often traumatic for pets as well as family members. Here’s a good way to help an adult cat adjust to the new house or apartment: Spray a little butter on the top of one of its front paws. Cats love the taste of butter so much they’ll keep coming back for more. This also helps when visitors come to play your pussy. Just spray and let them lick away.

Like pepper spray, I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray can be use in anti theft protection. This will disorient your attacker and will give you a chance to kick him in the crotch and run (or hobble) like the dickens. It burns, trust me, when it gets into your eyes, and when the spray gets into your mouth (like pepper spray, there is a mist that will stop your breath as well) it won’t slow you down. Now, if by some chance he reaches for you, the butter on his hands will keep him from getting a good grasp. Kick him one more time, punch him in the adams apple, and wait for the police to arrive.

Why waste good cheese by letting the cut edges get hard or moldy? Give semi-hard cheeses a light coat of I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray to keep them fresh and free of mold. Each time you use the cheese, coat the cut edge with I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray before you rewrap it and put it back in the fridge. Life is good.

So is butter. Remember that and you will prosper. Please feel free to add to this post, will all your suggestions and anecdote’s. Then we can laugh at you in a group setting.

I can’t believe it’s butter! spray also comes in light.


Item: I can’t believe it’s not butter! spray
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Hella fun. No fat. No cholesterol. No sodium. No carbs. No calories. Can add a light buttery flavor to popcorn. Plastic bottle is strokeable. Not just for cooking, it’s like WD-40. Possible massage oil replacement.
Cons: A Playboy Mansion party without alcohol and silicone. Too light of a buttery taste. Might’ve been more fun with alcohol and silicone.


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