I am unsure.

I have a large family. My mother’s parents had six children, 19 grandchildren, 46 great grandchildren and … There are a lot. My father has seven siblings … I am not going to try and count that bunch, but there are a few. Now, my momma has been married four times so there’s that group of siblings, half-siblings, step-siblings and so forth. Today I am going share with you what my family is going through so you can get some of what is making me so uneasy. 

We’ll start with the sister first. Our parents married when I was four and Marie was eight. They were married over 24 years, so we’re family. About four years ago Marie met a nice guy, they got engaged and moved far away. She is happy. 

Next we will talk about my cousin JZ. There were four of us born around the same time, so growing up we were super close. Every adventure, good, bad and stupid we were together. Two girls and two boys. They referred to us as the brat pack. Just about every memory I have growing up has atleast one of the other three in it.

Hanging out with family, one of my nieces mentioned that Marie was coming to town for a visit. They all chipped in to fly here back for the surprise. Silly me, I asked what the surprise was. A baby shower. Silly me again, I ask for who. Marie. 

I am busy doing laundry and cleaning when I noticed that the answering machine had eight messages​. All from my mom. I sit down, take a drink of water and call her back. I talk to her just about every day, but the tone of her voice worried me. 

My youngest sister asked if she was getting a invitation or was she just going to see pictures on social media after. They all laugh. No one actually answered. 

When my mom finally gets me on the phone, the first thing she asked was if I am sitting down. Now I am scared. She starts telling me that this morning at work JZ collapsed​. They call 911 and got him to the hospital but they could not revive him. He had a fatal heart attack. 

I could’t breathe. 

He was 34. Far too young. A single parent with four daughters. A beautiful woman in his life. They just got engaged and bought a house. JZ was the best kind of people. A broken heart doesn’t seem to start to describe how we all feel. His mother is destroyed. He was her baby. 

I can not tell you about the stupid conversations​ I have had this week. No, I WILL not.  I have spent the last few days keeping busy. I have to to keep from crying. All I know is that this roller coaster is rough. 

One of my oldest and best friends has died. My older sister is pregnant and due just before I was. This week we are driving a lot of miles. On Saturday we are going to a funeral. Each of our heartache coming together to celebrate a life that has left his mark on every person that he met, knew and loved. Sunday, a celebration of a new life. 

I don’t think I can do it. Go to her baby shower. I wasn’t invited. More than that, I am doing a little better but not sure if I am good enough for that. Adding up the miscarriage and funeral, I don’t think I can take it. I can only fake smile so much. Right now, I am not sure what my breaking point might be. Can not say that I have not already reached it. 

I will let you know about everything when we are back. Send me warm thoughts, good wishes and prayers. I need all the help I can get right now. 

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