I am still floating.

This past week has been a rough one.

I am not sure if I will ever get back to the old me. I hope that I can at-least begin to resymbol the person I used to be. A friend told me that I will be different, that this has changed me whether I wanted it to or not. Just try not to lose the parts that make you shine. I don’t know how to do that.

A few months ago I was excited to celebrate my first of many Mother’s Day. It was tough to do anything this year. I was a good daughter, daughter in law and grand daughter and sent out cards. Didn’t make any calls. I was brokenhearted when my brother called me for some phone numbers …. he was calling everyone to tell the happy mother’s day.

Just not me.

That stupid doctor that is having me take pregnancy test every three days to watch my hcg levels go down was evil. I was meant to test that Sunday but my soul couldn’t handle going through all of that. Unwrapping a test, following instructions I know by heart HOPING for it only to show one line. Negative is what you want.

NO, IT IS NOT!!!

Stayed off line all day. Didn’t watch a minute of tv. Couldn’t leave the house. Babies where everywhere. It hurt to see all those babies and know that I can never hold mine in my arms.

I am sick of feeling this way. I hate being so broken. IT has been tough, trying yo get back to the old me. The most positive thing I can say is that life is starting to get back on track. This week is the first time in a long time where I have cooked real food OR that I have taken my meds when I am suppose to. Even took the trash out.

Don’t get too excited. I wore my fuzzy pajama’s out there. I don’t care who could of seen them. Mostly because there are important things in life and what someone is wearing isn’t one of them.

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