I am floating by.

17 days.

That is how long ago my precious gift of a pregnancy ended. When my heart shattered into a million pieces.

Did I mention that I don’t like that doctor? Sure, it’s common for him to deal with this kind of thing daily BUT NOT ME! He tells me that it will take a week to four months for my hormones to return to a regular number. I can come in every three days for blood work, after the damage you did to my arms last time!? I still have lots of bruises, so no. OR just buy some cheap pregnancy test. When they show a negative, I am starting into the reset process.

:::sigh:::

Having seen that I am a mess, and that this is hard on me, why would you suggest that?? Tell a woman who had just lost her baby the take test HOPING for a negative? For seven years I have seen hundreds of them!! My life changed the moment it was positive. And it is changing again.

Him wanting me to do this isn’t making anything easier. My body still thinks I am pregnant. I have to pee all the time, am constantly starving, feet swelling and sore breast just make everything else harder.

I have mentioned how great my hubby has been. Lately, he has been hinting and asking questions like ‘When do you want to start trying again?’ HMMMM, let me think. 17 days ago I went through one of the hardest events I have ever experienced. My body thinks I am almost four months pregnant, my doctor is an idiot and you want to know when I want to lay down with you again hoping for that rainbow baby like next month?! I need to grieve the child we just lost. I need to mourn for the hopes and dreams we had for that sweet angel that we never got to hold. I need to be sad for the child my husband never got to spoil. I need to let my heart heal from this unimaginable and indescribably powerful moment and pain. I need to heal. Not just physically, emotionally and spiritually; more then I could ever explain. I am broken right now.

I should mention that it has been 17 days since I have slept. My body and brain will not agree on when would be a good time for that, so I do get much. A nap here and there, no more than a few hours at a time. I went to bed at 10 pm last night, was up at 12:20 am and have been awake ever sense. Tried some melatonin and a sleep aid, not working. I hate thinking that if I ever want to sleep again I will have to become a pill popper. BUT  I also hate all the hours I have spent sitting in the dark, thinking. The roller coaster that is my brain is getting exhausting. I am sure a good sleep would help. I miss sleep.

I am going to start dinner, Wifely duties never cease.

To be continued…

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