I am scared.

It has been a week, one whole week. I don’t know how to feel right now for seven years my only thought our only goal was to finally grow our family, have a child of our own. Out of the blue a gift from above our answer was finally a yes. Return back to that day when my sweet brother in law passed away and the hardest thing about that was the look on my husband’s face it was a look I will never be able to forget and now I think of that day when I told him I was pregnant that we were finally going to be a family of three and I now have a new memory of me priceless look on his face at that moment.

And right now sitting here reading everything I can read amount miscarriage and D&C pregnancy every little detail about how your life is going to be different physically how your body reacts to such a trauma and I am terrified. I don’t know how long it takes mentally to wrap your head around the whole idea I’m trying to have a baby again because this is a heartache and a heartbreak that I do not know how to live with. I don’t want to be mean I don’t want to be standoffish I don’t want to be grouchy they really don’t want to be sad, but I don’t know how not to be any of those things.

I think because of this I have been closed off. I have been on total radio silence. I don’t answer the phone I don’t return emails don’t socialize I don’t make chitchat with the lady at the grocery store I just want to be left alone. Im completely dreading going to my doctor’s appointment, and seen all of those pregnant wome, some with small children, some ready to deliver in any minute. I am excited for them but again I am heartbroken because for a few moments I was one of them and now I’m a statistic.

I have a wonderful husband and he has been so sweet like always incredibly caring and compassionate and beyond tender, but the thought of being intimate with him right now brings up so many different feelings and emotions. I’ll just described it the best way I can. I feel like it’s too soon to be moving on I know how much I love this baby and I know how bad he’s hurting because of the lost, nuts maybe having a little break wouldn’t be a bad idea. I know for all of these years that we’ve been trying and the heartache and the disappointment every negative pregnancy test, that’s another one might just pushes over an edge that we don’t realize or even on. What terrifies me more is to get a positive. When I found out I was pregnant and told him when we knew for sure that we were pregnant, we had planned this Grand elaborate announcement for friends and family. Unfortunately we found out about the miscarriage before we could even make the announcement. One person I repeat only one person that we know even knew I was pregnant. Neither of us have heavy heart to even tell her that we lost the baby. The conversation we are dreading.

I think that’s probably one of the reasons I’m having a rough time with this I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Yes my hubby is a great man and we talk a lot but I need a girlfriend that I can be sad with that will get me drunk and dye my hair horrible color. I am in a funk right now and I need help getting back out of it. 

Actually I’ve been in a funk for about six months now, all started back in November when two very important people passed away. I think back a long long time ago when I was a scared young woman that I had just received some terrifying news. I was introduced to the director of the MS Society and she recommended that I attend an art class. It was terrifying, entertaining, in the fulfeeling in so many ways. The woman that ran the art group Marie was a rockstar. She was a mentor a rock to lean on the mother figure that I needed at that moment and the best kind of friend a scared girl could have. Marie became family. Her and her husband were the best kind of people. I told them on a regular basis that I wanted to be just like them when I grow up. Stuff I learned from her life lessons people skills artistic abilities are gifts that I can never replace. Her death broke my heart. That trip to my hometown for two horrible funerals was more than my pretty little head can handle. I still don’t know how to process it.

I’m trying not to make anybody sad which is hard because I am sad. My trip home for the holidays rattled my cage and I was finally starting to come out of that unscaved when I was blessed with our child, to only have it taken away. I am trying very hard not to be angry or bitter. I just don’t know how I should be feeling…

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