I am … not sure.

Since moving, my hubby and I have started making ourselves established. Making friends, attending events done locally, even watching high school football games. It has been nice.

A few days ago, we had some friends over for dinner and a movie. Chit chat and so on. Well, at on point one of them saw a picture I had hanging up from a vacation that we took years ago. We were younger, I barely knew about MS and WLS wasn’t even a thought in my or our minds.  It is one of my favorite for thousands of reasons. I never really cared or noticed that anything was wrong with it. Happy and fat in this picture.

The friend walked over and asked who those people were in the picture.

‘The hubby and I. At a luau in Hawaii.’

I will bare you the awkward conversation that followed. It is irrelevant. What I did want to share was one comment I heard later that evening.

‘I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me you used to be heavy. It doesn’t matter, it would not change anything. We’d still be friends.’


‘If it wouldn’t of mattered, then why would I share? I used to have teal hair. What does anything in the past matter today?’

I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way. I am one of those ask and I will tell. I don’t volunteer information, but I do not keep it a secret either. It is like MS. It doesn’t bother me that I have it. I wouldn’t want it or wish it on any, BUT it can always be worse. I have a good life, limited or not. Cope and adjust. I do not use it as a way to get things, or tell people within eight minutes of knowing them. If it comes up in conversation, sure. Same with WLS. The way people react to either is strange on occasion.

It gets a little annoying having to explain yourself again and again. One of my new friends was sad, because the don’t know what MS does to people. Are you going to die from it?!  Nope. I am going to die with it. I don’t mind education people on either, but after a while it gets redundant.

That is not where I was going with this post. What I can not get out of my head is that it doesn’t matter if I was heavy, but you should of told me? IF it didn’t matter than why did you bring it up? I used to go to the bar a lot. I have a bad reputation at the gay bar in town (that’s another story!). I also used to drive a Jetta. It was green, I loved it. Again, it’s all the past.

I don’t know if I am making too much out of this. If I am stewing for no reason. I don’t think that it should be advertised that we used to be a FAT couple. Doesn’t really make sense to me that someone would care that I used to be a BIG GIRL!!?! It kind of makes me wonder if I would of been friends with them if I was fluffy.

I have some self worth. Don’t try and cheapen it. I did all of this for my future, my family, my health. It was never asked how or why. Somewhat glad that it wasn’t. IT was not for what people would think, how it made others feel or to impress anyone but myself.I don’t tend to be selfish, but sometimes it is not about anyone else. It is about making my world the best it could be. Evolving is my main objective. Being a better person today than I was yesterday, a week ago, a decade ago. Everything in my past has shaped me into the person that I am today. Good and bad. Right and wrong. Happy, angry or sad.

I do not know what the future holds. The only thing that matters is that I am the best version of me that I can be.


2 thoughts on “I am … not sure.

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