I wonder.

I cannot say that I have a great relationship with my father.

Being gone while I was growing up, sadly I never really missed him. I have a great family, and was raised by people that cared. Once I did finally meet him, we talked occasionally. He’d call, or I would. A visit here and there. Somewhat of a ying/yang kind of thing. For about four years.

Being somewhat stubborn, I haven’t really pursued it. YEARS ago, I told my older sister that I wasn’t looking for him. SHE tracked him down. I didn’t give him pictures of me growing up, because I felt that is he didn’t care enough to be there why would he need documentation?

I don’t want to think that I ever had daddy issues, but I feel like they have developed. Why would he want to get back in contact with me all those years ago if it was only for a few moments? What kind of father sends a message on Facebook to say happy birthday?

Did I mention that I was HIS only child?

Recently I have been thinking. That I care that he doesn’t care. That he hasn’t seen me since I was diagnosed with MS. Hasn’t really talked to me for more than five minutes in years. What has really been the biggest problem I am having is that HE has never even met my Husband. Couldn’t make it to our wedding, he had plans. Didn’t even send a card.

How can a he care so much about his ‘BABY GIRL’ but never wonder about the man she chose to spend the rest of her life with? He doesn’t know my phone number. OR my address. That I had WLS. That my mother has Leukemia. Not much of anything.

Again, how can he not care when he made a big deal about finally finding me?

That I had to sit here, and watch my Hubby’s heart break when his father was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. That he had to make trips to visit with him when it got bad. The look on his face when his father passed away. Helping him find clothes to wear for a memorial. Seeing him bring home a baggie of ashes, all that was left of his dad. That fathers day is rough for him. He CAN NOT talk to his father, and mine just doesn’t wanna.

What hurts the most is that I care so much.

Like he wasted my time.

Like he’s a jerk.

Like he DOESN’T care about me.

Like I was catfished. Wanting to be a part of my life. Pretending to be someone he’s not to make me feel something that I didn’t know I could. Sounds bad, I know. I was never looking for a father, my Grandma was the best father a girl could have. IT was something that he wanted, maybe to validate himself. I don’t know why. Parenting is being involved, not selective about when and where you want to show up. THAT pisses me off.

I sit back and watch my amazing Hubby with children. How tender, compassionate and caring he is with them. Seeing his heart ache that we haven’t had one of our own. Not for one minute do I ever wonder what kind of father he would be. Being just half as amazing of a husband, he would still be a 1000% better than any other. Whether or not we had our own, adopted or just babysat; no child would ever feel or be more loved then by him. I don’t think that I can sing his praises to do him justice. He is simply amazing.

THAT makes me circle back around. What the hell is wrong with my dad? What the hell doesn’t he want anything to do with me? Who the hell did he think he was when he started trying to form a relationship with me? Why wouldn’t you follow through?!

It pisses me off. Makes me wonder why? Why not? Makes me sad.

See, daddy issues.

I have this envelop with stuff in it. Christmas and birthday cards. Engagement and wedding pictures. Stuff like that. It has gotten fuller over the last seven years. A few weeks ago, I was going through paper work, files and old mail. Throwing away old stuff. Came across that envelope, and I had to stop and think. And unfortunately, I feel like I have reached a that breaking point.  I opened it, looked at what was inside and was sad. Why would I hold onto this stuff? I kept the wedding invitation, pictures and threw the rest away.

It was liberating and complete heartbreaking.

How can I keep pursuing something that is causing me so much pain? If it was a guy or friend that was treating me this way, I would of ended that relationship and moved on. BUT how do you do that when it’s family, let alone a parent?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I don’t know how much of myself to put out there. It is not like there is someone to replace him, but at the same time how much pain do I allow myself? Again, I am at a loss. I am not sure how to find an answer that I want, need or trust. When it comes to this subject, I am just unsure about everything.

And that pisses me off.

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