I am a mess right now.

The last month has thrown my whole world upside down. I am all over the place. Let me share with you some of the things that I am going through.

I am pissed. As you may remember, I went home a month ago to help my mom and sister out. For two weeks I was free daycare. I paid for the pleasure of traveling six hours each way to do so. I have been taking a break from family at the moment. More info on that in a minute. Anyway I just got off the phone with my mom. She bought a new car. Paid cash for it. Too broke to pay me back for the trip, for the babysitting or even for the groceries. She got a good deal. Unfortunately I did not.

I am hurt. Being treated like crap is something that I have been used to for a while. Telling me about the new car, as well as trying to lay a guilt trip on me for not coming BACK DOWN for thanksgiving just helped. Let me tell that I feel like I am the throw away kid of my family. In the past, when we have drawn names for Christmas I tend to get the jerk. Every year it was lame, broken or something regifted. EXCEPT for the years that my sister in law drew my name. Those are the years I didn’t get a thing. Dicks. So, a few weeks ago I was talking to my mom and she was letting me know WHO she and my sister drew this year. Uh, what. No one said anything to us. After talking to a few other relatives, it was discovered that my husband and I are the only two people that are not in the drawing. I am hurt and I refuse to say anything. The last thing I would want is for some people to be martyrs for volunteering to help me out, taking our names and letting us have theirs. Nah. I will take my dignity and extra cash and carry on.

I am annoyed. With everything that is happened … happening … I have been eating like crap. Quality, not quantity. Because of stupidity and bad judgement, I have managed to gain ten pounds. I have worked my butt off this last year to lose 130lbs, any back peddling is completely unacceptable. Getting back on track, because I refuse not to complete this. I have worked too hard to give up now. My husband deserves it, as do I.

I am worried. My mom bought a car yesterday. Cashed in her 401k to do so. A few months ago she was diagnosed with leukemia, and two weeks ago she was laid off. While she has filed for unemployment, it’ll be a little while before she will get a check. It was decided that my youngest sister will work out of town four days a week and leave her young children with her. Nine and ten, not babies but still in need of constant supervision. With the medication and overall health one of many issues, I have concerns (which I voiced!!). On top of that my sweet Grandma is sick. The Aunt that lives and cares for her is MIA. She has not been to a doctor and needs several prescriptions, like cough syrup.

I am scared. MS sucks. As bad as heat is, it is the cold that really rocks my world. For the last month, my legs are sore. No, it is worse than that. Best way to describe it: after being out in the cold, you decide to jump in a hot shower. The second that hot water hits you hands or feet there is pain. Burning, dull and sharp, going to the core. After a minute or two, the pain is gone and warmth takes its place. After years of this experience, we know and prepare for the next time. Problem is, my legs feel like that all the time. 24/7. Never warms up, never fades. Just pain. Funny thing is no matter what the tempature is inside, it happens. If it is less than 50 degrees I am in trouble. Add this to all of the stress (which is horrible for MS!) and the new medications, I feel horrible. I am trying not to make it worse. Definitely do not want to have a relapse. Just holding on until I see the neurologist next month.

I am not going to go any further. I needed to get everything out of my head to move forward. I hate being sick, sad or any of these emotions I wrote about here. One thing, as cruddy as I feel lately I have to say something positive. I have energy! Cleaning is a little easier. I can stand longer. Cooking or dishes are not out of the question. Fatigue HAS ACTUALLY CHANGED!! Today I laid down for a nap. Not because I was tired, but because I was cold. Stayed in bed for about 45 minutes before getting back up to make dinner. I am not pressing it, taking advantage of it OR ignoring it. Just enjoying it. Can not remember the last time I didn’t need to nap.

That makes me smile.


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