This about my day. Crazy, beyond bizarre.
Last night, Granny and I partied like it was 1961. We are awesome like that. Stayed up way too late. Just setting the scene. So, slept like crap. I laid there, watching the clock click. After a few hours, I kept thinking, ‘Hmm, I wonder if the saved by the bell movie is on demand. At three am, no one will be judging me.’
Finally fall back to sleep, and at 7:01am on the dot, her nurse BUSTS in the door. Maybe that sweet lady didn’t BUST in … but I didn’t not have enough sleep to make a difference. Granny HOPS out of bed, still attached to her machines and stuff, waddles to the bathroom and starts her day. I am laying there, listening to them talk and talk.
‘She’s not really a morning person.’
Finally get the chance … maybe that is the wrong word. I finally get my ass up and drag it into the shower. I had Doctor appointment in 45 minutes. It’s a five minute drive. Mostly dreading it, as great as our Doctor is. Why? It’s one of those fun, incredibly personal exams. Yup. Decided to be a responsible adult and keep my stuff in check. Dressed as comfortable as I can for this traumatic event, and headed out the door.
Get to the office, and sit there. Make up?? Sure. Gotta look pretty. This is pretty serious. Like a third date, getting naked in front of someone for the first time. Eyeliner, mascara and a little lip gloss. Finally get some balls to walk in. Check in, and sit to wait. In walking this incredibly attractive guy, who completely flirts up a storm with me. Great. Hope he doesn’t think that he’s invited in. My husband wouldn’t approve. Neither would I.
Nurse comes to get me and OUR ADVENTURE STARTS!!
First thing, always is a scale. Fun. Then all the vitals and stuff. She starts updating my file, asking me about meds and allergies. OH, you lost ten pounds since your last visit in August. OK, maybe this isn’t gonna be too bad. It’s off to a good start. She gets up, hands me that fun little gown and says the Doc will be in soon. Undress and get up on the table. There is a sheet to cover with.
AND SHE’S OUT.
So, I do what I am asked. Not sure if she wanted the part open in the front or back. I think about it logically for way too long before I finally decide it only makes sense to have the front open. That’s what she’s look at. I cover with the sheet and wait.
Luckily… I guess … I don’t have to wait too long. In she walks, with a new lady. She introduces me, letting me know she’s a Nurse that is starting there and in training. Do I mind if she sits in to observe? SURE, why not? This isn’t awkward. Join! Wanna go grab the hottie from the waiting room?!! More the merrier!!
They both walk over, wash their hands and start asking questions. Good and dumb ones. Get through those, and that’s when the fun starts.
‘Go ahead and lay back. Because of your last lady part check, we don’t have to do the extra fun stuff. Just some minor groping and light violation.’ K. As she starts the groping, she’s explaining everything as she goes along to the student lady. ‘I like to do in like a pizza striping method, but you can do whatever shape you want. Like a zig zag or road map to the nipple. As long as you press hard enough to feel her spine and kidney stones, you should be good. Lumps are bad, so look for those. They should be different then the lungs and stuff.’
After they finish feeling me up, and judging my hairy armpits it’s time for the real fun.
‘Go ahead and slide down the table.’
They walk to the end of the bed, and out the stirrups come. Spread for the world to see, they start talking again. As I lay there, this is what I hear.
‘Ok, what we want to do, where we want to start in on the outside. Make sure that the carpet is shampooed regularly. We don’t want to see any rust stains, or seams coming apart. You want to lift and fold like origami. A swan is beautiful in this light. OK. Now, grab that bottle of oil. If you are gonna do this properly, make sure you lube. Too little, and it’s like sand paper hotdogs. Too much, it’s like a oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. So, what we are gonna do is look deep, hoping to see diamonds. Finding jewelry is normally bad, but today it’s a reward. Headlamps and hip waders are needed, because I don’t wanna ruin this pedicure.’
‘OHH do you see that?! A shiny, donut of life. I didn’t see it for a minute there, it’s being shy. Normally, I would hunt that out and break me off a piece of that, but I don’t feel like it. A light salad is all I need. Do you feel that? Probably not. As we are in the cave of wonders, and those little almond sized marshmallows are not noticeable. OH WELL, try anyway.’
Ok, I might be a little off. But I was pretty sure that was what happened. I know for a fact, that every part of that AWESOME exam was doubled. They literally took turns, feeling around in my neither regions, making sure all was right. I guess that is good, not needing a second opinion, but still. I felt like prom night was nothing compared to this. Not sure that’s a good thing either. That’s another story.
Back to my violation. After all of this scavenging, spelunking and bottle digging it’s over. I am sat back up, covered and given a high five. ‘Good job!!’ I am informed that it was a pleasure, thanks for a good time. Go ahead and get dressed. We are done with you. Don’t call me, WE’LL call you. Maybe.
Go ahead and do the walk of shame out. Cute guy, I can’t look you in eyes after the party I just had. Small children, do not judge me. I can’t bare it. Phone rings, and my Dad needs to talk. NO, not right now. I can’t head back to Granny’s. She’ll ask questions about how the appointment was. Not sharing this with her.
So, since I have this over whelming guilt and disgusting filth feeling right now, there is only one place to go and try and cleanse my soul. Walmart. I walk in, and start to feel better. Seeing how good I look, how great I dress makes me …. better! Look at my list, and start shopping. First thing, cheese. Next, burritos. Breakfast kind. Coffee and I am off. Next stop. Dollar tree. Bibs, sardines and peanuts. Check. Next, Sprouts. Chicken legs, sausage, pickles, oil and butter. One last stop and I can go home. Head by Gma’s and grab my stuff. I walk in and the first thing she asks me is not about the doctor, but why I forgot my bra. I left it lying on the floor. How could I tell her that I didn’t wear it because I didn’t want to get it dirty. Like I was.
One last stop, to drop off paperwork. Next door to the office I dropped the paperwork at was a clinic. I walk in, cool and collected and CASUALLY pick up two grab bags of condoms. Being responsible again. I walk out, get into the car and head home. Unloading, I realize that it was a dirty day. I was violated. I have meat, pickles, lubes and protection. The trauma of this morning carried over into my everyday life. I sit here, writing this with mascara on my face, filth in my splendor, shame in my heart and beer on my breath. What a day.