Ok, you may know that the summer of 2007 has been the hardest of my life. Most of you also know that the fall hadn’t proven to be any easier, in fact, it is harder. All I know is that without the faith I have, I would probably not be handling this as well as I could, as well as I am. I hope that I am handling this and not in denial. I hope that I am as strong of a person as I think I am. Enough rambling about me … this is not about me.
This is about a boy.
I met a boy. Once upon a dream. He was my everything. He, alone, changed my life. He told me how smart I am, how talented I am, how funny and special and incredible I am, how sweet and beautiful I am, all the things any girl needs to hear from her man. He is the reason I have confidence, that I am strong and independent, that I can actually say that I believe in myself. I was treated better then I thought I should be, better then I thought was possible.
For over five years, I have loved this boy.
The problem with this boy was that he was a boy. Never once acting like a man. 18 months earlier, we bought a house. It was a plan … a house, maybe even someday a ring, and so on. Then the excuses came… lots of excuses. Not one legitimate excuse, but they just seemed to continue to pour out of his mouth on a regular basis. Of course, after a while, it became offensive. It was always about him. His family. His job. His insecurities. Blah blah blah. Seemed that no matter how much it hurt me, it was me that was rude and an asshole for not respecting him. Poor him. Let’s just say that it started getting real old.
Whatever you would call the relationship that was going on between us, it wasn’t healthy. Then apparently, I wasn’t healthy either. I started getting sick. Really ill. Missed a week of work before I was taken to the ER. Diagnosis: Bell’s Palsy. Recovery time: Unknown. The week I got sick was the last time I would talk to him for a while. I figure with all that was going on, maybe, just maybe, he would be concerned.
Again, I was wrong.
Over a month goes by before I can get him on the phone. “How dare you not keep me up to date on how you are doing!!” cried the jerk. I haven’t been out of bed in six weeks, lost nearly twenty pounds at this point, and couldn’t see. Man, I am such a bitch. It is, after all, all about him. “Someone should of called me!!?!” Sigh. I said what everyone in this situation and conversation would of said. “Screw you. I can honestly say that this has been one of the hardest things I have ever been through, and as nasty as it might sound, I don’t need a regular phone call from you to make me feel shitty, what I need is that man I love to sit with me, hold me when I feel like crying, and to support me overall.”
That was the last time I have heard from him. OHH I take that back, there was a comment left for me on myspace at some point in the last three monts. THREE MONTHS! Not a word. The man who loved me, that wanted to spend forever with me, walked away without even throwing a wave back at me.
To totally add insult to injury, a few weeks after that phone call, I was online and ended up running across pictures of him … with his new girlfriend. When did we break up?? All he does is talk about how beautiful she is … all the same kind of stuff he’s say to me. It broke my heart. I think one of the hardest things about this was that for the last five years, no matter how good or bad my day was, he was the first person I called to tell about it. Which sucks when they stop answering your calls.
The point of this whole post is that the month of September has been rough. All the problems I was having with my eyes, caused by the Bell’s Palsy, ended up being the result of Multiple Sclerosis. That makes it ever harder. Which makes me even more in need of support. I love my family, and all of my great friends, but the man I have loved for the last 348 weeks, he has nothing to do with me.
With all the light that has been shed on me lately, I thought I could be a bigger person, and try and contact him first. Since he didn’t answer when I called … I emailed him. This is what it said:
I know it’s been a long time, and be that as it may, I really need to talk to you. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. That’s assuming that I did to begin with. I am sitting here, hungry as all hell, wishing that for just a minute that maybe there might actually be some eggs or something that I can cook. And that my sister would finally show up to get, so that I can go take a shower. Nah, bathing is overrated. Maybe next week, that sounds good. my niece. I don’t know what to say.
I just don’t know anything. I take that back. I know that I have missed you. You have been a hard habit to try and break. I don’t know if I want to. See, once again, I have apparently lost the ability to make decisions. You should see at a restaurant, hell, at Baskin Robins.
The whole point of this stupid email is that my life sucks. I don’t ever say that, hardly think that, just that … sometimes I wish for a break. They say that with the bad comes the good, I just wonder when the good is going to show up.
OK I am done for the moment. Call me if you can :::sigh::: I love you
To this day, five years later, I have yet to hear from him. Doesn’t matter, life is better without him in it.