I think a piece of my past will help you better understand me. At least that’s my plan. To tell stories from days gone by, showing you how I have matured (sure), and grown. That saturday was the first time in my entire life that I had went out without getting ready and doing my hair. It was weird, and strange, and really different. Besides being so drunk, I was really uncomfortable. Who knew that leaving the house with stringy, wavy, flat hair, that I would wanna cry?? Ok it wasn’t that bad, and overall it wasn’t a bad night. Let’s see … where to start.
It was a friend of a friends son’s birthday party. How the hell I got involved was beyond me. Not that I am opposed, but the lesbian to scared-shitless straight girl was 37 to 1. I was impressed that this woman who didn’t look any older than thirty had a twenty-one year old son. Did I mention the food?? There was food, they brought it, and while I questioned eating 4 hour old california rolls, and watching lesbians sitting around with their butch hair cuts eating sausage … lots and lots of sausage, the wontons that she made were awesome. It could have been all the Chervo, but they were the best eggroll wonton thingies I had ever eaten. I’ve told you about the birthday party, and We were in VIP, which is great because Rich lets us in without passes or anything … I’m VIP. Besides her son, I think there was one more guy out of about eighty. All of the rest lesbians. Wasn’t bad, just wasn’t good.
So, after a pitcher and some wondering, I am seated at the dance floor railing. There is Carlton, who’s real name isn’t know, just that he can do the carlton dance real well, with his wife, who doesn’t dance, ironically enough. Since Carlton has started coming to the bar, it seems like the dancing has moved up a notch. Tonight’s no different. He’s standing next to my boyfriend. And the reason I know this man is destined to be my boyfriend is the jump suit. The black Adidas jump suit with white stripes, zipped all the way up, and a white golfing hat. There is going to be trouble in a moment, but I’ll get to that then.
Anyway, sitting next to me at the railing is ‘has to be gay’ guy. His t-shirt is painted on with black latex, and the white pleated pants that are 4 sizes too big with a belt complete it. Plus he’s pretty. On the other side is Ray. Ray is a nice guy, too nice, and he’s like one of the girls. He has fallen for this girl that makes out with him when she’s drunk, and on an occasional week night, but blows him off a lot. So he’s all butt hurt, and mopes alot. You can only feel sorry for so long before you want him to either get a life or blow job.
OHHH shit. This is where the shit started. Rum Bay (our one decent bar … ) is about to have its first dance off. First there are the Barbies. Three girls, all in black skirts, pink shirts, boots, long blonde hair, and if it wasn’t for there boob jobs, you might think they were sister. There was a lot of ‘Oops I did it again’ moves, and then they stopped. Thank god. Then my boyfriend is doing only what I can best describe as jumping jacks with flair. Next come the humpers. Pretty much he’s squatting with his legs spread really far, and her ass is grinding his crotch. That’s it. Then there was Lucy and Ricky. There was some cumbia music on, and they were actually really cute. I was impressed and alittle jealous all at the same time.
Ok … Barbie, BF, humpers, Ricardos … then was Carlton. He was doing the running man, nice. Little asian man is breakdancing. Xavier Roberts jumps in with the cabbage patch, so 1985. My boyfriends back … with the sprinkler? Come the fuck on honey. ADHD Al is having a seizure. Random clapper is here, making sure that we all know he has no rhythm. Little asian man is doing the same breakdancing roll around on the floor move again. White trash Sally and her skanky friend Sue are doing some spice girls shit, Barbies are taking notes. Clap. Al’s having another seizure or he’s humping the floor. Either way, get a hose.
The humpers are still at it, haven’t moved anywhere on the floor. Clap. Carlton is doing so awesome shit now, it’s really does look like he might win. NO wait … my boyfriend isn’t out yet. Now there is some skipping and grabbing his crotch, and he almost stepped on little asian man and did manage to knock a waitress down. Fuck. My waitress. Sally and Sue are all up on my man, one on each leg, grind on his knees. It’s SO OVER. Hope no one sneezes because they will fall over. Clap clap. Ricardos are hauling ass now, stepping and twirling all around, making me want a mesican boyfriend, since mine has left me for gonorrhea. There are a few creepy old guys near the bathroom that don’t know much english ….
OHH the humpers are really getting close, they are starting to make alot of noise. Clap. Holy shit. Little asian man is getting up … no wait. That was the waitress. Al is pumping his arms in the air, dripping sweat on one of the Barbies. Carlton makes me smile as he kisses his wife on the neck and starts his next move, the cowboy. I forgot one important thing, what music was playing. Britney … it’s her prerogative. Billie Jean isn’t my lover either. When Kool and the gang came on … I think my ex-bofriend actually teared up. But this thing came to a horrible and tragic end.
Who knew that Ashlee Simpson could make people want to drink??